Can your favorite retro game console predict your crime of preference? Dr. Duke Beirut from Hillsboro Alabama says it can. He has conducted a study in cooperation with the Alabama Department of Corrections. Over the course of 9 years he has studied criminals and their minds and have taken meticulous notes on their retro gaming habits.
Dr. Beirut says his findings are rock solid. And although having a retro gaming preference does not mean you are a criminal or that you will commit a crime, Dr. Beirut says these results highlight the likelihood of WHICH KIND of crime you’re more likely to commit.
We asked several law enforcement agencies of what they felt about the study, and not a single one got back to us. Dr. Beirut says its indicative of the fact that his findings are solid. In the spirit of transparency the Gaming Free Press has shared Dr. Beirut’s findings. We encourage you to tell us if you agree with his estimations or not.
Atari 2600: You’re a person who enjoys simplicity and repetition. You will likely stab the manager of a grocery store when you walk on him and your wife in bed.
ColecoVision: You love sweet treats and ice-cream. You have a bubbly personality. Removing the lug nuts from a school bus to punish “the children of the white devil” is right up your alley.
Intellivision: As a freethinking individual you spend plenty of time reading books. Building and mailing pipebombs are a typical Monday afternoon for you.
Nintendo Entertainment System: You like expensive clothes and having a good time. Beating down your neighbor with a length of chain and posting photos of a clump of jaw and tooth in your drive way to instagram makes you feel alive.
SEGA Master System: You like working with the elderly, which is no surprise since organizing and filming an orgy with octogenarians in exchange for food and bathroom privileges is on your to-do list.
SEGA Genesis: Last but not least you love the fresh smell of a young woman’s perfume. Holding a bar full of patrons hostage while on bath salts and executing them one by one in retaliation for the clerical error the water department made on your account is how you cope with life. You also may threaten a prominent doctor of criminology and demand your manifesto get published in exchange for the return of your recently kidnapped kids.
The Gaming Free Press hopes you enjoyed this guest post by Dr. Duke Beirut, and we all wish him success in the future.
