February 5, 2025

berzerkA new fad is sweeping the nation and its making gamers wealthier than ever imagined.

In Boca Rotan Florida 16-year-old Jacob McAllister buys the latest version of Grand Theft Auto V at a local Best Buy.  The game is rated M for Mature and Best Buy’s policy is to prevent the purchase of this game to minors but Jacob doesn’t even flinch.  He drops two $100 bills on the counter.  One to pay for the game, the other to bribe the cashier to “look the other way.”

Jacob is unemployed and like most teenagers spends most of his free time in his bedroom where he plays video games.  But on those rare occasions when he goes outside its usually to fine electronics stores, or the mall where he dazzles girls in the food court by buying them expensive clothes, shoes, and jewelry.

What is the secret to Jacob’s financial success?  He steals from his mother’s purse.

“It’s the damnedest thing”, explains police officer “Tony Tacho”, a third-generation cop who is currently assigned to investigating theft and domestic assault cases.  “These gamers are loaded because they are stealing, and it increases my work load – its total b*******!”

Officer Tacho isn’t alone, as precincts all over the United States have reported an increase in under age petty crime.  The common thread among the perpetrators is that they all consider themselves “gamers.”

“Two underaged perps dressed as the Super Mario Brothers robbed a coffee shop,” laments Tacho, “another kid hocked his grandfather’s World War II medals and when confronted explained that he ‘just unlocked an achievement’ – whatever that means.  This other piece of s*** would steal wallets by reaching under bathroom stalls.  When we booked him he said he was a big Call of Duty fan and asked if I killed anyone during the Korean War – I’m only 43 for christsakes!”